Are unresolved issues destroying your marriage?

In the beginning it’s white lace and promises and hopes for happily ever after. Wedding photos show the happy couple taking their vows, feeding each other cake, dancing the night away. But the honeymoon comes to a hard stop when unresolved issues unpack their bags, turning your fairytale romance into a marriage nightmare.

Words and gestures of love that came easily while dating are replaced with loveless accusations, screaming pride, and maybe even fits of rage. It’s been like this for a while and now you want to call it quits. And it’s not just a thousand little things that you hate, but it’s big things like adultery, lying, addictions, anger, pride, selfishness, and pain from the past. You don’t see anyway you can go on in your marriage.

{And there are valid reasons for divorce as I well know so my words are not in judgement or condemnation of anyone. And certainly if you are being abused in your marriage, please get out now before it’s too late.}

But as Michael and I look back over our past failures, we understand the utter devastation of divorce — emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. And when there are children, the shock waves reverberate for decades to come. So before you call the attorney, please take a moment to settle your soul and sometimes in a deeply troubled marriage a separation is necessary.

Though one spouse’s negative contribution to the marriage may be bigger, both husband and wife add their share to the mutual mess. Unfortunately, like attracts like on some level and hurt people hurt people. You may think, I’m okay, he or she’s not, but if you take a peek at the person in the mirror you may see your own flaws, too. We all are sinners.

And since neither you nor I can change another human being, the place to start is yourself.  For even if your marriage ends, without personal healing, change and growth, you may be doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, continuing a downward dysfunctional trend.

Because when a couple marries four people show up at the altar. The lovely picture-perfect adults plus the unseen messy little boy and girl. These individuals — products of their families of origin yet never beyond breaking free of the past — bring to the marriage whatever was learned and lived during childhood in addition to their adult choices and experiences.

Maybe you had an alcoholic parent? Or maybe your parent struggled with mental illness? Perhaps both your folks drank? Were you abused in some way? Or maybe your mom and dad fought all the time until they finally got divorced? All these early traumas hurt tiny hearts that harden as a means of self-preservation, surviving the family of origin using coping mechanisms like perfectionism, control, anger, codependency. Later, using sex for love and attention, or repeating the mistakes of the previous generation and abusing or using in a vain attempt to make the pain go away.

And while these four are busy battling each other, the next generation of tiny hearts are getting hurt and learning love and life all wrong. And so it goes, generation after generation.

But God!

You’ve tried everything to eradicate your pain but despite the counseling or meds or running away, the screaming, cursing, crying tantrums remain. And in all this drama you keep running from God because maybe you don’t really believe or maybe you perceive God as a punisher. Maybe you fear working on yourself. But God is for you, your spouse, your marriage and family.

Trusting in God and purposing to live a Jesus lifestyle is the only way you can escape your pain. The ugliness won’t magically stop should you say I Do in future because you will still be there. But there’s hope! It will take time and surrendering pride, but if both you and your spouse are willing to work hard you can do it! IF you CHOOSE to CHANGE.

If you choose God.

And now I ask you what is it you really want? Do you want to end this marriage, hurt your children, keep doing life your way?

Or do you want to reach out and ask for help? Let go of the past and be free? Learn how to love and live like Jesus and reap the rewards and blessings?

It is your choice to keep or end your marriage; God will love you no matter what you decide, but please think of the potential ramifications down the road.

**Divorce hurts children making them more susceptible to future acting-out behaviors, drug abuse, promiscuity and problems in school.

**Wrecks bank accounts — attorneys fees can range in the tens of thousands.

**Forces single mothers to work long hours away from their kids just to put food on the table.

**Increases stress on multiple levels.

**Causes you to run from God in shame and guilt.

**Exposes you to sexually transmitted diseases.

**Yields abysmal loneliness.

**Renders emotional pain now and decades later when an innocent remark by an adult child makes you wonder, What if we had tried harder to heal our marriage?

Consider this true story… Years ago a thirty-something wife whose marriage was seriously bad from the start filed for divorce having grounds three times over. But the husband’s brother was a Christian who deeply believed God could change and renew their marriage. He flew in from out-of-state to share that God was the key to healing their hearts, freeing the husband of his addictions, the wife of her issues, and restoring their marriage. This brother even suffered a minor accident en route to the couple’s apartment. Undeterred he shared what God had done for him and his marriage. But neither husband nor wife would listen for they had allowed their hearts to give up and shut tight. They divorced. Their relational futures remained dismal through the ensuing years. Their little children who had witnessed awful things, grew up broken and as adults lived what they had learned from their parents — anger, fear, addictions and divorces. And I can’t help wondering what would have become of that family through the generations if that young husband and wife had decided to believe God, humble their hearts, and worked on building a new marriage and life together…

For a free mentoring session to help you get started on healing your marriage, click my image.

So you don’t miss out on other valuable marriage tips, subscribe now by clicking on the box.

And please share this post via your social media circles. Thanks!

Images courtesy of Pixabay.com

 

You don’t have to walk on eggshells…Domestic Violence Awareness podcast plus FREE mentoring session

PERKINS COVE

Once upon a nightmare, I was in an abusive marriage.

And I learned the hard way that abusers very rarely change yet their actions produce powerful changes in their victims. 

From confident to intimidated.

Happy to sad.

Outgoing and social to reclusive and withdrawn.

And sometimes from alive to dead.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that three women are killed every day in the United States by a current or former intimate partner. And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention each year 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner.

As a survivor of a courts-cops-orders-of-protection second marriage, I encourage you to take the steps necessary to get help for yourself and your children if you are living with an abuser. Links to previous October posts about my past experiences are at the end of this post.

COFFEE

But the story I speak today is an encouragement to break free of any abusive situation. A deeply heart-felt account, I wrote this as an open letter to you and all women everywhere who have or are suffering abuse.

For a free transcript of today’s podcast, CLICK HERE.

Abuse in any form is dangerous and God doesn’t want anyone to remain in an abusive situation.


If you need help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline now 
1-800-799-7233. 

I got out and so can you!!

And may God be with you and your children…

Sheila Signature Reduced

Please, please, please SHARE this post now.
You just might save a woman’s life! Thanks.

 

SK Subscribe

 

Other posts I’ve written on the subject of Domestic Violence:

October-is-Domestic-Violence-Awareness-Month

Get out now before it’s too late

Their love saved my life

He never has the right to hit you

To the wife who holds her breath

Forgive your abuser to be totally free

If an abusive dad was to apologize

Don’t stand by your man when your child could die

Husbands get abused too

As a woman who has survived domestic violence, divorce and single parenting challenges after abuse, I now help women recover, heal and rebuild their lives through Sheila Kimball Mentoring. CLICK HERE today for information and a FREE mentoring session. {U.S. residents only, please.}

SheilaKimballMentoring copy

For more information and client testimonials visit Sheila Kimball Mentoring.

Are you a wife who bullies her husband? Here’s hope for change…

TY PINE TREE SUNLITE IMG_3002

When a wife has no idea how precious she is in God’s sight…

Has no clue that God himself died for her sake…

That God loves her no matter what…

She can get all twisted inside and resort to being a lesser form of her true self.

The lovely, gentle woman and wife God has created her to be lies silent in the shadows while a bully bride emerges bringing her husband harm instead of good all his days.

And no matter how physically or sexually attractive you are, it may not be long before your husband views you as horribly ugly.

 Lord, help the woman who sees herself in these words to hold her tongue and give her husband peace and the respect he deserves.

TY GREEN ROCKS STREAM IMG_2994

Maybe you grew up all messed up. And your marriage is a mess. And your kids are hurting. And you are hurting more than you realize and denial is a handy anestitizer.

Step out of your denial before you destroy your man, your marriage.

Why do you let words fly from your lips without much thought of the effect they may have on your husband’s heart? Or your children’s hearts? Or the hearts of those in earshot especially if your verbal lashing is in public?

Husbands may be brow beaten by bully wives for years until it gets so bad that they just up and leave.

And my heart goes out to you in compassion and so does God’s. He sees the future and like any good parent watching their baby make bad choices, His heart bleeds when he watches you choosing evil over right living. And in blessing us with gifts worked for good Father allows suffering as the logical consequences of our actions.

TY GRASS STREAM IMG_2990

I know what that’s like.

I was a bully wife as a young, first-time bride. Many days my tongue lashed hellish and the sad fact is I’m not sure I ever realized how awful and hateful I sounded. Or how much I was hurting my former spouse’s heart and masculine spirit. I couldn’t see how black I was inside. Back then I didn’t feel truly sorry for my bad behaviors because I was so wrapped up in me. And needing to control EVERYTHING.

Wicked!

I made the worst choices possible in marriage and when several older women gently suggested I change my ways, I would not hear of it, wouldn’t receive wise counsel, but kept on in my wonton disrespect, belittlement, always wounding.

Raising my voice, often cursing, I let my former spouse know that I was most unhappy and it was his responsibility to bow to my demands. And he did. Mostly. And it didn’t matter if I was PMS-ing, or had a headache, or was worried over bills unpaid or was up all night with a baby.

No matter the circumstances we each possess the power to choose our behaviors.

But when God in His great and tender mercy allowed my life to crash and burn — my former spouse filed for divorce — the door cracked open a tiny bit and I was able to glimpse the ugliness of my sin. Habits of hatred that began in girlhood growing up in a home wrecked by alcoholism and divorce.

And when a woman gets hurt early in life, when she is not loved, cherished, protected, and reassured of her value and worth the way God intends for her to be, she often grows up hard, building a wall around the pieces of her broken heart.

And her husband bears the brunt of her pain.

TY BRIDGE TREE IMG_2977

If you recognize yourself in my story, please stop. Please give your heart to God. Seek to know Him through reading the gospels. Receive His great love and forgiveness so that you can start to love Him and then others.

Repent. And go in a new direction. Towards God. Towards your husband. Towards being the wife God wants you to be.

Ask your husband to forgive you for sinning against him. Ask God to forgive your evil out bursts. Whatever you do to someone else you are doing to God, the very God that loved you so much he hung on that cross.

A relationship with Him will heal your heart of all its hurts one day at a time. And it will allow you to forgive those who have hurt you.

You grew up, though, and became a strong survivor. You’re smart, capable, accomplishing much with the apparent ease of a fully grown woman. But inside you’re only six or eight or 12 years old, trembling with tears running down your cheeks and all your little-girl-lost self wants is to be loved.

To be held. To be soothed. To hear the words that everything will be alright.

And it can be.

Moreover we know that to those who love God, who are called according to his plan, everything that happens fits into a pattern for good. God, in his foreknowledge, chose them to bear the family likeness of his Son, that he might be the eldest of a family of many brothers. He chose them long ago; when the time came he called them, he made them righteous in his sight, and then lifted them to the splendor of life as his own sons.
Romans 8:28

No matter what happened in your past you can make your future with your husband and family a very good one.

But only God’s way.

The way of love. With obedience to Him stemming from your love for Him because He loves you first. He loves you like crazy no matter how sinful you have been.

So why not choose new today?

Right now. This very moment. You may not have another for nothing is guaranteed.

TY FIELD TREE IMG_2986

Take the first step and decide to change. Be assured that God is a good Father indeed who will tax the furthest star to help you.

Surrender your heart to the One who loves you best of all.

Read the Bible. Begin in Mark, then read John. Read as if you’ve never been taught anything about God and ask the Spirit to reveal truth to you.

Do what Jesus does.

Practice love as a verb expressed like this.

Give your husband respect, it’s his life blood.

Keep at it, one day after the other, living out a newness of life that will become your new nature, your true nature as you stay the course with Christ.

Dearest Father, may my heart always be open to You and to the changes that you want in me. Changes that will make me more like your Son. And please grant godly sorrow to the wife that needs to change her ways. Lead her to true repentance, humility and lasting good — for Your sake, for her husband and family’s sake and for her sake, too. May she deeply understand and treasure the truth that she is precious to You.

TY FLOWERS IMG_2976

And you can do it, Wife! And I will keep cheering you on!!

God helped me and He will help you. Wiping your slate clean. Giving you a fresh start.

I’ve been in the darkest pit, hurting others and myself so very hurt, and then God allowed me to come undone and I re-learned life and marriage God’s way. So can you!

You can transition from where you are today to the woman, wife and/or mother God wants you to be. And I can help you on your way.  Click here for details on my C2 Mentoring for Women.

To you, my dear sister-friend whose heart beats like mine, blessings of peace, love, healing and heart-change…

Sheila Signature Reduced

SK Subscribe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are not an orphan even if you felt like one in childhood. God loves you and He’ll never stop…Part 2 in the Orphan Spirit series

FARM BARN IMG_2298

FARM COWS IMG_2294

So you’ve grown up feeling like an orphan although maybe you never thought of it in those terms.

Me, too.

I know what it is to be broken. To suffer fear, pain and loss. To wonder about being loved when “love” hurts so much. And then to get angry about it.

And how that anger destroys marriages and relationships and leads you into a life of isolation and suffering.

But I also know that there is a way out.

The Way.

Jesus.

Nothing will ever separate you from God’s love not even your choice to ignore the Gift. To walk away from the Ultimate Good Daddy who loves you forever.

Sometimes it takes a long time before you realize and accept that Love stretched it’s arms wide in order to scoop up the world in one big cosmic hug. You grow up feeling undeserving, unloved, unsupported.

But God. And Love that holds you tight.

FARM BIRCHES IMG_2300

God in His wisdom that is higher than yours, selects parents good, bad and in-between for the sake of creating you in the unique and wonderful way He plans so that His plans for you can ultimately be worked out. And sometimes that includes having parents who fail, hurt or do unspeakable things that rip you to shreds and leave you lying on the floor alone.

Bleeding.

But He shed His blood, and drops of sweat as blood, because life is in the blood. He gave His life up, dying a hideous death far worse than anything you or I have ever experienced in the worst situations. And He did it all because He loves us that much.

He gave His life so that you might someday choose to lose your own “life”– that crazy system of survival formulated to keep you from falling apart as an adult wounded and wondering where the love is — in order that you might find the life of purpose and power and meaning that He created you for.

That gift of life He gives you that is meant to be a unique gift to the world.

And it can be crazy and convoluted getting from a broken childhood to a healing, whole adulthood. And there have been times when I have cried out asking Him why.

Why did my dad drink so much?

Why all the fighting in my family of origin?

Why did we have to run out of the house or bolt the doors?

Why did that precious little girl who still lives inside my heart have to tremble so much?

Feel afraid all. the. time?

And then get angry.

And the anger which covered the fear and the hurt became a weapon of destruction sinfully which helped detonate divorce in a marriage where other innocent children — like my precious babies — became collateral damage.

And so on and so on, cycles of abuse repeating.

FARM SHACK IMG_2312

Until His magnificent grace and love flows in. Slowly like a trickle at first for a heart all parched can only take sips. Then the latter rains and a gushing and a filling and love overflowing.

Yet always the need to keep learning. To stay close to Him who will guard your heart, your words, your actions. To remember where you came from and how it affected you and then in knowing that you are loved, you are wanted, you are His baby girl forever, choosing to be different than what you were before. Surrendering all to Him for healing for you don’t even have the power to change yourself.

But His grace makes all things new.

For you are more than a mere survivor when Jesus rules your heart.

You are His child. Precious. Beloved. Sought.

And you can change, and your marriage can transform, into the glory of God…

Sheila Signature Reduced

Orphan Series
Part One: Are you out of control in your marriage because you feel like an orphan? 

Please share this post and subscribe today so you don’t miss future posts in the Orphan Series.

SK Subscribe

 

Are you out of control in your marriage because you feel like an orphan? Part One

RHINE CHURCH IMG_1911

It’s not like you were left in a basket on the doorstep of a church.

You had parents. And a home. But you also had a whole lot more.

Like fear.

Addictions.

Abuse.

Neglect.

Rejection.

Excessive control.

And more fear.

Adding up to a whole lot of hurt that can holler when it gets angry. And you sound like you hold all the power as you tell a husband — or a wife — what to do and how to do it.

But actually you are powerless because you are broken and looking for love that you never got when you were little.

And when you feel like an orphan you act like an outlaw.

A rebel renegade. Lone wolf. Only objective is self-survival and that often at the cost of the souls around you.

All because somewhere deep inside you feel like you don’t belong. Believe the lie that you are unwanted, unaccepted.

And your heart wails an orphan cry.

RHINE FIREPLACE IMG_1933

Won’t somebody please love me?

Won’t someone stay and hold me through the dark and scary nights?

Won’t anyone provide for me and keep me safe?

But no one was there to love you the way God created you to be loved.

You were abandoned by your dad. Or your mom.

Or maybe both your parents were just so broken down and used up that they had nothing to give into parenting you. Nothing with which to build their own marriage which is the foundation of family life and by extension society.

And when you were very small and forced to learn to survive, you grew up fast and furious, anger becoming a cloaking device to cover the pain, the hurt and the fear that forced your heart into a deep seclusion. To a place where you vowed: No one will ever hurt me again. I will take care of myself. I can’t depend on anyone and so I will act like I don’t need anyone.

And boy will that lead to fireworks in a marriage.

For when a wife or husband brings baggage stuffed with dirty laundry and family secrets, they have little good to give to their union to create the beauty and order that God intended.

RHINE FRENCH DOOR IMG_1939

Back in the garden. One man. One woman. With their God. Naked and unashamed. Living in harmony and peace. Joy and Love. All needs met. Safe and secure. Trusting and happy.

Until sin.

And bad choices. And all the rotten, filthy things that happen that broke you into a million jagged-edge pieces. All the stuff that destroys a marriage.

So you cry long into the night. Wailing like a banshee into the darkness where shadows lurk that haunt your heart.

And it all spills out of your mouth. All that is putrid and dishonoring and destructive.

Wives bark orders at husbands.

Husbands treat wives abusively.

Tearing each other apart like scavengers picking at leftovers on the side of a dusty road.

And the road is dusty and long and strewn with potholes and boulders in the way all through this journey called life.

It can be discouraging when you think that there’s nothing more. Only the same going round in circles crazy, eating each other alive. And taking the children down as well, them little tasty morsels that satan gets without much effort for mom and dad have abandoned their posts to protect and nurture and show them the Way through the land mines of life.

But you are not an orphan.

God made you. He loves you. He wants you forever.

No. Matter. What.

Sheila Signature Reduced

Subscribe now and receive all new posts quietly delivered to your inbox.

SK Subscribe