From my journal this morning.
Lord, may I know you more so that I might be more free. And I know You by be-ing with You. Still. Hushed. Listening. For it is not in the doing, accomplishing or even enjoying my life that I will I know you more deeply, but by be-ing alone with You more. I know that my peace, hope and joy are in direct proportion to my time alone with You. And in the be-ing still with you in the secret place I shall be-come the woman of Your dreams as I hear and respond to Your call Come to Me…
More than a week has passed since I last posted on this blog.
More than a month has transpired since a nasty muscle spasm took grip of my right shoulder, arm and wrist and doing the things I am passionate about — including writing and cooking — have become difficult.
And I have needed to step back from it all.
I’ve been restless though in this time of exhale for in the not doing I feel somewhat less than and frustrated. Resentful of this limitation. Why God? And fear swirls in and out of the tiny cracks and crevices in my heart. Voices haunting. My attitude plummeting.
Just last week a dear friend sent me a message.
I am reading Finding Grace right now and there are so many good quotes but the one that says (paraphrased) anything before a ‘but’ doesn’t count stood out because you always say “But God…”
So all those frustrations, fears and resentments over my physical limitations that inhibit my keeping up with this blog — and wondering are these words what You want me to write– and marketing my mentoring practice don’t count. Except for making me feel worse. Edgy. Withdrawn at times.
Having little value in Kingdom counting yet God uses all of it to draw me across the bridge to Him.
And Father desires from me to come ever closer for it is only when I am close that I can hear His softly spoken love notes for my life.
So I continue to pray and count my blessings. I’ve listed 899 gratitudes so far this year for God-gifts big and small. And I’ve just decided to create a more cohesive prayer journal. Specific. Listing dates when prayers are first offered and subsequent answers.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
And what I most ask and seek is more of God. And more the will to obey. And more love to give.
For in this dark world, the enemy of my soul and my very own choices to dwell in negativity render me forgetful. Recording prayers and answers will help me remember and recount His faithfulness.
I can be such a silly little sheepling prone to wander though Shepherd’s crook always pulling me back. Strong arms lifting me in never-ending embrace.
I desire to do Your will, O my God. Your law is within my heart.
And I feel like I am falling.
In love with Him for the very first time all over again. Yet so much better as light falls through the cracks of my sometimes wayward heart.
And like a marriage between dear souls who have traveled together long and hard yet always finding their way back to the heart, the crux of their couplehood, I find my way back.
Where potential and purpose kiss and blessings untold unleash and I am filled to spilling.
Him urging me to continue writing when I ask if I should put down my pen and get a day job.
Him encouraging me to unveil. Be more transparent. Not writing and striving for illusive perfection with rewrites controlling but releasing words to gush humbly as He seeks to perfect me in Him.
And not just writing about marriage in an effort to grow my tribe but writing from my heart for your heart as God leads.
Sans worries about social media shares, boosting my mentoring income, reaching more people. It’s not about the money, He reminds me, or the numbers, planning and promoting with only my best laid plans in mind.
A rich life awaits you as you empty yourself more and let go of holding tight to preconceived notions and purse strings and just hold Me.
I jot down these words in my journal to help me not forget as I am so apt to do.
Because my desire is to grow true. And true-er.
True-er to my God, my calling, my life. True-er to sharing my story with you dear reader in the hope that my words might satisfy Father’s plans for me. And impact your life, too. Maybe encourage, inspire and heal you wherever you may be at this moment.
Father knows all.
But where all this is heading I do not know. And I tremble a little as I consider hitting publish.
So I plunge in and take this first step. My heart tells me it is all being worked for good.
As words are given I will share them with you. Maybe daily. Maybe not. Perhaps with tips to make your marriage better. Perhaps just with the outpouring of my learning-heart as I try to make sense of it all, my sojourn here on earth.
And every day seeking to become and becoming a true-er daughter disciple.
Which I thought I was doing but it seems I have been striving more than surrendering lately. And not thinking deeply enough for too many years. So many things in me holding, holding, holding. And my muscles growing sore and tight with strained effort.
I am tired. But the great I Am never sleeps or slumbers and directs me with His eye. Though it has taken a few weeks for this message to get through my muddle, He never stops wooing me to trust Him more.
And just let go.
All the moments they keep tumbling ever breathing possibilities of be-coming. Deeper. Real-er. Velveteen at last.
For isn’t that what this journey-life is all about?
Me. You. All of us coming to Him in love. And learning to love so that we may become the woman or man He has created us to be.