When you feel a fight brewing with your spouse, read this…


But about the fights and conflicts that exist among you—where do you suppose they come from? Can’t you see that they arise from conflicting passions within yourselves? You crave for something and don’t get it, you are jealous and envious of what others have got and you don’t possess it yourselves. Consequently in your exasperated frustration you struggle and fight with one another. You don’t get what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And when you do ask he doesn’t give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit—you only want to satisfy your own desires.
James 4:1-3

It doesn’t matter what he said or she said that made you angry.

And they may very well be out of line, trolling for a fight due to their own unresolved issues.

But a fight won’t start if you don’t step into the ring because it takes two to tussle in a marriage.

For you see, God says be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. 

Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.
Proverbs 17:14

Finishing {in love} is better than starting {or participating in a fight}. Patience is better than pride. Don’t be quick-tempered, for anger is the friend of fools.
Ecclesiastes 7:8-9

And when your spouse is weak and wallowing in his or her sin, then you be the strong one.

Hold onto your love, power and sound mind and cast off any fears that may get exposed or triggered during an argument. And maybe in a sane and sober moment of reflection you may want to ask yourself why your own anger gets provoked when your spouse does something or reacts unkindly.

Or why you do the provoking in the first place.


But no matter that you disagree and quarrel with your mate sometimes remember that you are still best friends, lovers, and covenant partners for life.

And Jesus shows the way.

He never stops being your friend. Never stops loving you no matter what you do or don’t do. That’s how spouses are to love each other.

And it can be hard unless you choose to humble and surrender to Christ and then do the next right thing.

So when the earth beneath your feet starts to rumble with the seismic waves of spousal disagreement hot and gushing, step back from the situation and hold your tongue.

  • Briefly separate for a cool down time.
  • Do something physical like take a brisk walk or scrub the toilets.
  • Quiet your mind and heart and remember what you do to your husband or wife you do to Jesus.
  • Pour out your concerns in prayer.
  • Check your own heart against 1 Corinthians 13.
  • Recall the words of Ephesians 4:1-3.


God uses the bonds of wedlock to help you escape the prison of selfishness.

The truth of His word is key to setting you free. And when you remember to choose to obey God you build your marriage strong and sweet.

Here are 20 verses that can help you be mighty in spirit no matter how the matrimonial boat may rock from time to time.

May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.
Proverbs 17:27

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.
Proverbs 12:18

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. Proverbs 14:29

Don’t quarrel with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, just as much as possible.
Romans 12:19

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Romans 12:17

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
Ephesians 4:29

A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.
Proverbs 25:28

Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can crush strong opposition.
Proverbs 25:15

So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the special blessings that will come to you at the return of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. John 13:34

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
Romans 12:9, 10

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32

So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone.
2 Peter 1:5-6

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self- control. Here there is no conflict with the law.
Galatians 5:22-23

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21

Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

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13 thoughts on “When you feel a fight brewing with your spouse, read this…

  1. Sheila, I really appreciate this post. There’s difficulty brewing for my son and his wife. I’m struggling with how to best love and encourage them through this when they don’t know the Lord. I’d love your thoughts.

  2. This is such good advice, Sheila. I can think of times when if I had just held my tongue, things would have been resolved sooner. We need to remember what you say here: “But no matter that you disagree and quarrel with your mate sometimes remember that you are still best friends, lovers, and covenant partners for life.” Sometimes it is very hard, but God is so faithful to help us through even the toughest disagreements. 🙂 Thanks for your encouragement.

    • Thanks, Gayl, for your very kind words. And yes, God is faithful. I don’t know how I would ever live without Him let alone be a good wife to my Michael. Blessings on your weekend…

    • The heat of the battle. Yes, that is where much is revealed, isn’t it. The heat is turned up and the impurities bubble over. And then when all is said and done and the sorries have been said, we can pray to Father and ask to be healed of whatever area showed up that needs repair. Thanks. Blessings to you too…

  3. Powerful Words of truth. Thank you for this: “God uses the bonds of wedlock to help you escape the prison of selfishness.” So glad I followed you at Counting My Blessings. What a joyful place you have here. Thanks again and blessings!

    • Thank you, Maryleigh. And you’re right, whether we’re in a young marriage or a longtime one, we all need these types of reminders. We all need to keep exhorting and encouraging one another daily. Thanks. And the refrigerator is a great place. I need visuals too and have scripture verses on the side of my refrig where I can see them as I do the dishes. 🙂

  4. There is so much to savour and treasure in all you have shared here. These words hold good for all of life’s circumstances:”The truth of His word is key to setting you free” Amen! And as we lean into Him, and rely on His life-changing word to transform us from the inside out, we will become less concerned about our own feelings being hurt and better able to keep peace with others. As always, I needed to hear your wise and timely words, Sheila. Thank you for all you are doing here to help heal and make marriages stronger. God is using you mightily to help and bless others! 🙂 x

    • we will become less concerned about our own feelings being hurt and better able to keep peace with others… this is such an AMEN, Joy. And your words truly touch and bless me and encourage and reaffirm what I am doing. Thanks very much. xxoo