Being real with your words increases marital intimacy…Love Talk during Lent, Part 2


He opened the book to the “wrong” page.

We were further along in the reading yet he was divinely lead to re-read a section of Love Talk, the practical guide we are working through during Lent.

And as the words on the page passed over his lips they triggered him to share something that we needed to talk about.

His sharing real from his heart brought understanding to my own and a deeper level of respect for the man with whom I share my days and nights.


It had taken a few days for the real to bubble to the surface but when it did it was like a window opening into my mate’s soul. And as I sought to understand him more than be understood it expanded my own heart.

And our marriage went deeper.

Sharing real increases intimacy and brings healing that reinforces the marital bond in a world that is dead set against wedded longevity.

So we keep pursing the privilege of partnership and the healing of our hearts into one wholly unified in Christ.

And communication plays a crucial role.

The number one problem couples report is a “breakdown of communication.” And with good reason. Whether a relationship sinks or swims depends on how well partners send and receive messages, how well they use their conversations to understand and be understood. Think about it. If you are feeling especially close to your partner, it is because you are communicating well. Your spirits are up. Your love life is full. You are in tune. And when communication falls flat, when you feel stuck and your talking in circles, relational satisfaction drops. Communication…can either buoy relational intimacy or be the deadweight of its demise.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Love Talk

Communication is key to understanding the situation and our spouse’s heart better whatever the topic may be — money, sex, in-laws, kids. Men speak blue, we women speak pink and those foreign tongues can be hard to comprehend without purposeful intent and honesty.


When we lay down our pride and put touchiness aside, confess our sins, and simply share what’s really bouncing around inside without blaming or shaming the other, it’s like we remove a mask and take off armor.

And that rubs off our fur and makes us more real.

Truth be told we all wear masks and armor at times as defense mechanisms to protect our hearts from further wounding. But choosing to share our thoughts, pain, longings, fears with our spouse — however scary that may seem at first — is more than worth it.

Being brave and authentic and sharing as truthfully as we can, and always in love gently, helps us surmount the inevitable obstacles that trip us up on our path of marriage and life.

Yet we can’t pretend to be authentic.

Authenticity is something you are, not something you do. It comes from the heart, not the hands.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Love Talk notes that genuineness is the bedrock of good communication and is expressed in our tone and nonverbal behavior, our eyes and posture.

And it’s so okay to be real. Jesus was real.

He loved real as He lived among people who were real and riddled with warts and bruises and sins. Dirty and broken just like us.

Yet God knows everything and nothing about us is hidden from Him. And as we reveal ourselves humbly through authentic communication with our spouse our love can grow more real. And these skills can be learned no matter if our marriages are days or decades in the making.

And that helps make marriage the gift it is meant to be.

Marital bond is strengthened, we are more resistant to the temptations of this world, and we experience richer satisfaction in our daily lives as husband and wife.

Most importantly we make Abba smile.

Like any good parent He loves to see his children getting along and loving each other well. Obedient to Him and bringing Him glory in our marriage.


All of us married partners can use reminders on how to better communicate in a truly loving, authentic style. It’s never too late to learn and this valuable skill can help transform a marriage.

So join me on Thursdays during Lent for help in improving communication in your marriage. I’ll be sharing what Michael and I are learning from Love Talk and how we’re doing as we practice new communication skills!

Join us?

Follow along in Love Talk. We would love to know that other couples are doing this with us. Support and strength in numbers! We could even post comments or questions on my Facebook page, if you like.

You can order your copy of Love Talk and the workbooks — one for herone for him— by clicking these links now.

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{These are my Amazon affiliate links and if you make a purchase I receive a small commission at no added cost to you. Actually any shopping you might do through this link reflects in my commission — helping to offset the cost of running this site — so thank you for considering to use it.} 

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17 thoughts on “Being real with your words increases marital intimacy…Love Talk during Lent, Part 2

  1. Great book! Love the quotes.
    Being real in our relationships requires real dialog. Our conversations need to be authentic and deeper than “how’s your day?”
    If we can’t be real with our spouses, who can we be real with? If we can’t share intimate conversations with our spouse, how do we think we will grow together.
    Christ is the perfect example of real intimacy.

    Thanks for sharing. God bless you both!

  2. I so agree, we need to put the masks down and seek each other out underneath all that “fur”. 🙂 Loved your analogy, and it is amazing how our relationships can become full of such depth when we are both willing to “go there” and be vulnerable–to take a chance. So here is to taking the plunge–again and again–with our mate. 🙂

    • Like how you put that, Summer. Taking the plunge again and agin. Choosing again and again. And yes, marriages can be amazing when both partners choose to be naked and unashamed. Thanks for adding your thoughts. Blessings…PS LOVE LOVE LOVE your name!! Sign me, Freezing Cold Flip Flop Girl 😉

  3. Sheila, you are so right. Communication is so important in a marriage. Sometimes it might be hard to say what is on our hearts, but when we hold it inside it grows and festers and then communication is even harder. May God bless all our marriages and help us to communicate well with each other. Thank you for sharing. I’m visiting from #DanceWithJesus!

  4. Thanks for sharing about this book. It looks really good. Communication is so important, can be SO hard when we’re sharing about hard issues, but it does deepen the bond we share. Just while I was reading your post, I had to put it aside because my dear husband came in and was chatty with me. I thought it would be counterproductive to not take advantage of his chatty mood! 🙂

  5. Sheila, I loved this:
    as I sought to understand him more than be understood it expanded my own heart.

    To understand him more than to be understood. Isn’t that just the most important thing in any relationship. And by putting myself aside, I can more clearly see my sweet hubby’s need, and have a deeper look into his heart.

    Thank you!

    • And isn’t that what love is? The essence. Putting the other before the self. Time and time and time again until it is a strong thread in the fabric of our very heart. And in marriage, with both partners doing this, there is true beauty! Thanks for sharing, Ellen! 🙂

  6. Such an insightful and helpful word here, Sheila. These spoke to me the most:”Sharing real increases intimacy and brings healing” as ones I sense God wants me to pay attention to. Being real can feel liberating and threatening all at the same time because it increases our insecurity issues of fear of potential shame and rejection. Yet the one we become one flesh with is the best person to be real with, hard and painful as it can be at times. And it will eventually lead to deeper intimacy on every level and enable inner healing of wounded emotions to take place. Thank you for your God-given wisdom! Blessings. 🙂 x

    • You are so welcome, Joy. And yes, being real can be scary yet God commands us to be brave and tells us He goes with us wherever we go. And our deepest healing, I am convinced, comes within a godly marriage. Bless you, my friend. And thanks for adding to the conversation. I am praying for you each time God brings you to mind!

  7. Sheila, this is so reassuring that we must make our marriages strong and just how important this is! I have been blessed by a precious marriage for these past almost 22 years after a 10 year bad/non-Christian marriage and 13 year single period! I understand!
    By the way, the photo of the reading room and stained glass window is absolutely a gorgeous library/reading room (I am a retired teacher/librarian and love books!!).
    Glad you are a near-neighbor at Spiritual Sundays.
    Caring through Christ, ~ linda

    • You do understand, Linda! And thanks for sharing and how glad it is to hear of your good marriage all these years. What a tremendous blessing. Michael and I are coming up on four this July. The library is a beauty! At a local liberal arts college nearby. You would love it!!

  8. I have always felt lucky because there is no one besides God who “gets me” like my husband. This looks like a great book! I’ll be adding it to my list! 🙂 Thank you for sharing at Women With Intention Wednesdays! I look forward to what you will be sharing this week!