Are you out of control in your marriage because you feel like an orphan? Part One


It’s not like you were left in a basket on the doorstep of a church.

You had parents. And a home. But you also had a whole lot more.

Like fear.





Excessive control.

And more fear.

Adding up to a whole lot of hurt that can holler when it gets angry. And you sound like you hold all the power as you tell a husband — or a wife — what to do and how to do it.

But actually you are powerless because you are broken and looking for love that you never got when you were little.

And when you feel like an orphan you act like an outlaw.

A rebel renegade. Lone wolf. Only objective is self-survival and that often at the cost of the souls around you.

All because somewhere deep inside you feel like you don’t belong. Believe the lie that you are unwanted, unaccepted.

And your heart wails an orphan cry.


Won’t somebody please love me?

Won’t someone stay and hold me through the dark and scary nights?

Won’t anyone provide for me and keep me safe?

But no one was there to love you the way God created you to be loved.

You were abandoned by your dad. Or your mom.

Or maybe both your parents were just so broken down and used up that they had nothing to give into parenting you. Nothing with which to build their own marriage which is the foundation of family life and by extension society.

And when you were very small and forced to learn to survive, you grew up fast and furious, anger becoming a cloaking device to cover the pain, the hurt and the fear that forced your heart into a deep seclusion. To a place where you vowed: No one will ever hurt me again. I will take care of myself. I can’t depend on anyone and so I will act like I don’t need anyone.

And boy will that lead to fireworks in a marriage.

For when a wife or husband brings baggage stuffed with dirty laundry and family secrets, they have little good to give to their union to create the beauty and order that God intended.


Back in the garden. One man. One woman. With their God. Naked and unashamed. Living in harmony and peace. Joy and Love. All needs met. Safe and secure. Trusting and happy.

Until sin.

And bad choices. And all the rotten, filthy things that happen that broke you into a million jagged-edge pieces. All the stuff that destroys a marriage.

So you cry long into the night. Wailing like a banshee into the darkness where shadows lurk that haunt your heart.

And it all spills out of your mouth. All that is putrid and dishonoring and destructive.

Wives bark orders at husbands.

Husbands treat wives abusively.

Tearing each other apart like scavengers picking at leftovers on the side of a dusty road.

And the road is dusty and long and strewn with potholes and boulders in the way all through this journey called life.

It can be discouraging when you think that there’s nothing more. Only the same going round in circles crazy, eating each other alive. And taking the children down as well, them little tasty morsels that satan gets without much effort for mom and dad have abandoned their posts to protect and nurture and show them the Way through the land mines of life.

But you are not an orphan.

God made you. He loves you. He wants you forever.

No. Matter. What.

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