How words wicked wash away the bridges in your marriage…And 5 tips for repairing the breach



Sometimes the rain comes down. Cold and hard. Pelting.

Flooding roadways. Washing out bridges that connect people from one locale to another area.


And sometimes words come down like heavy rain in a marriage.

Husbands and wives cold and hard sting the heart of spouses who may not have seen the storm brewing.

Dam has burst.

And in moments of torrent fierce the bridges of connection in a marriage get washed away leaving spouses on opposite sides.


And while words good and bad are so often associated with wives, husbands can dump a downpour, too.

From the head of the marriage pours toxic injury often emanating from an injured male heart washing away the tender tendrils that bound her heart to his.

Pushing her away. Making her wonder if the rock that she thought her marriage was built on was really built on the Rock.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Only God knows the secret workings of a man or woman’s heart.

And when the words pour down and wash away the connection between a husband and wife they wonder what to do.

>1. Seek God.

In my trouble I cried to the Lord,
And He answered me.
Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips,
From a deceitful tongue.
Psalm 120:1-2

God knows the end from the beginning. And He knows where you and your spouse started. How your relationship set sail and from where you came. Perhaps your beginning wasn’t good and those early wounds not yet offered for healing come out unexpected and ugly.

But it hurts as it disconnects two who have vowed to always be one.

So pour out your aching heart to the One who truly loves you forever. Trust that His heart loves you no matter what and His love is not fickle and prone to unsettling emotions that can bring out the worst in a spouse.

And God will never leave you.

Never abandon you. Never stop loving you. He will never even threaten those things. For God, unlike a man or woman, is not a liar.

He is First Love. He is Forever Love.

So keep your own tongue from evil and your own lips from speaking deceit. Two wounded wrongs will never make a righteous right. Depart from evil and do good the best you can.

>2. Seek peace with your spouse.

Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
Psalm 34: 11-14

Having prayed mightily for the Spirit to guard your heart and tongue, ask your mate what is truly behind their deluge of hurtful, hateful words. Hearts that are at peace with God, fully resting in God’s love, can speak about issues without their own wounds and shortcomings muddying the waters.

Maybe your spouse is not at a point of true reconnection and reconciliation. Perhaps they choose to play the blame game and twist things so that their words are your fault.

But they aren’t.

And someday we each will stand before a Holy God and we will only speak for ourselves. Truth be told we are all broken and messed up in one way or another, some much more than others. But God’s grace and love and blood covers us and cleanses us and gives us the ability to meet halfway on that broken bridge of our marriage and start repairing the damage.


>3. Forgive your spouse because God tells you to.

…bearing with one another, and forgiving each other,
whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the
Lord forgave you, so also should you.
Colossians 3:13

And forgiveness can be hard when the other person does not appear repentant.  But maybe they are trying. And forgiving is not forgetting. Not yet at least. Not until the issues that caused the dam to burst are fully disclosed, discussed and then sent away by the power of two hearts truly beating as one and of a Risen Lord who walked on the waters and calmed the raging storm.

You have sought God, sought peace and chosen to forgive your husband or wife and yet your heart is not at rest because beneath the apparent calm, behind the mask carefully worn, is a churning vortex that will suck you in time and time again until all is revealed.

And repented of.

And both husbands and wives are guilty of offense and of taking offense yet God tells us that love is not touchy nor does it keep a record of wrongs.

>4. Stalemate.

You have gone through the motions with your spouse but things are crusty like day old bread and the bridge is not yet rebuilt.

The foundation is weak. Wounded.

And that thing that your mate did a week ago, the one that he or she said they were wrong for and asked forgiveness? That can’t keep coming up because all those hooks in your heart will only cause the marriage to go under.

If you say you have forgiven your spouse, then forget about it and move on.

And when a man or woman sins against God and their spouse and then simply says I apologize for my rude behavior that may not be enough. Do we tell God I apologize, Dad, for having sinned?

Or do we humbly approach Him with a contrite heart lacking all haughtiness and tell Him from our hearts broken with the weight of our own sin — not our spouse’s — that we are sorry.

We are wrong.

And then ask Him to forgive us.

And asking is so much more humbling than telling, isn’t it?

Asking for forgiveness instead of merely telling your spouse you apologize is an exercise in going lower.

It is the kind of humility that brings healing to the most wounded marriages. But it takes a big man or a big woman to take off the mask and admit they are a mess.

The swirling that caused the flood that washed away the bridge from a husband’s heart to his wife’s must be repaired.

Even if it means staying up all night to talk it through. With tears. With residual anger — and anger stems from hurt, fear, frustration and disrespect.

Because when a man, who is the head of the family and the one who leads his wife in righteousness, is not rightly related to her after a disagreement his prayers will be hampered.

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives
in an understanding way, as with someone weaker,
since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow
heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7

Daddy loves His girls.

And His boys.

And Daddy hates it when they squabble and then in pride refuse to kiss and make up.

>5. Trust.

Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins;
You will raise up the age-old foundations;
And you will be called the repairer of the breach,
The restorer of the streets in which to dwell.
Isaiah 58:12

Sometimes a spouse is not ready or is not willing to truly go beyond the surface in the moment to the deep place where the hurts are so big and so bad that they just cannot face them.

And that is when you let go. And let God.

Trusting that God will make all things right if we surrender to His will.

So that we can be reasonably happy in this life. And in our marriage.

And supremely happy with Him forever in the next…


We are all in this together. And God is our good Daddy who wants our hearts healed so we can love freely.

What do you and your spouse do when words hurl hurtful? Do you fly away in avoidance, running from the pain? Freeze up and do nothing, pretending it will go away if you ignore it? Or do you fight mean and even more hurtful?

Maybe it’s time we all just stop and surrender and let God heal us…

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2 thoughts on “How words wicked wash away the bridges in your marriage…And 5 tips for repairing the breach

  1. I do hope I can leave a comment here, since it wasn’t working the last time I tried.

    I’m definitely going to share this with a couple who really could use every part of your wise advice, Sheila. Perfect timing, my friend! Isn’t God so good to bring in the support of others in the times we need it most!

    • Yes, as I mentioned to Lisa, the comments section has a mind of its own these days but the I am in process of revamping the entire Longings End site so thank you for grace in bearing with any inconvenience and always feel free to comment on FB page in the mean time. AND…am so delighted to hear about you passing post to your friends. When I published i prayed that the one person who really needed the post would read it! Thanks, friend!