When broken people marry…and tips to turn a wounded marriage into something wonderful

When broken people marry it can take a while to step out of the shadows and fit all the pieces together.

Before our paths converged three summers ago, and we fell in love and eloped, our lives had been littered with divorces, broken relationships and great pain going all the way back to childhood.

And we count our unexpected union later in life a gift both sweet and scorching as God uses our marriage as a crucible where the dross in each of us burns away.

For we are lovers who limp being made whole as we walk each day with God who renders us holy.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33

And wounded marriages like ours — and maybe yours — need the Wonderful Counselor day by day to heal and discover the wonder of wedded oneness.

Because life can be stressful.

In the months leading up to the recent sale of our home and downsizing and empty nesting for good, stress levels peaked. And there were moments heated when we stepped on each others toes in a demanding dance that left us breathless.

With fighting whispered late in the evening {we had a houseful of grown kids for the summer} as partners tired and touchy growled irritable. Frail and fallen, my Michael and me failed to love each other well in those moments.

Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
    proud, or rude.
Love isn’t selfish
    or quick tempered.
It doesn’t keep a record
    of wrongs that others do.
Love rejoices in the truth,
    but not in evil.
Love is always supportive,

    loyal, hopeful,
    and trusting.
Love never fails!
1 Corinthians 13

But God’s perfect love never fails.

We can learn to love better, stronger, deeper if we remember that the way we treat our spouse is the way we are treating God. And marriage is a picture window into the mystery and unity of God and His Believers.

And then stop with the bad behavior and begin anew.

Because God created us to love and want love and deep down we desire a really great marriage.

One where we trust our partner’s love and commitment, safe to be the unique man or woman God has made us to be unlike the house where maybe we grew up and it wasn’t safe to just be you. Instead you had to wear a mask and play a role just to survive.

A marriage where we can laugh and cry and disagree and still remain strong as covenant partners not fearing that to dissent could mean the end of the relationship or at least a shunning for a spell, or in an abusive marriage a black eye.

A marriage that keeps us and our spouse clinging in the best way to each others’ love and transparency. With us serving and forgiving and all of it producing peace and an ever-deepening best friendship, great sex and fun. No longer living in fear, hiding from the family secret and lying to preserve co-dependency not true love.

God says marriage is a blessing and spouses can transform wounded marriages into wonderful ones if both…

~will choose to.

~are submitted, respectful and loving to God and each other.

~follow Biblical principles for marriage and love.

~continue to choose each other over and over.

~seek to connect more instead of distance from their spouse.

~grow up and take responsibility for their own bad and work together for the greater good.

But so many of us don’t want to change and grow up.

We just want to control in our fear and utter powerlessness sometimes not even understanding we. are. that. afraid.

And when we forget that marriage is meant to model Christ and the Church then old triggers and new challenges collide with all the pressures of life and the taunting of the enemy and our own selfish self and marriage becomes a shoot-out at the not okay corral.

Words fly mean. Tempers flare hot. Old patterns repeat. Doors slam. People walk out for a while. Sometimes forever.

We play the blame game and the holier-than-though game and the he said-she said game like spoiled babies fighting in the sandbox.

We forget the scriptures that remind us how to love and be one in the Spirit.

As God’s prisoner, then, I beg you to live lives worthy of your high calling. Accept life with humility and patience, making allowances for each other because you love each other. Make it your aim to be at one in the Spirit, and you will inevitably be at peace with one another.
Ephesians 4:1-3

The Holy Spirit grieves and only God can clean up our marital mess. For with our free will we choose to battle with our spouse and give into the sin the crouches at our door, each of us the worst of sinners.

While we cannot blame our past for who we choose to be at present, many of us started life in dysfunctional families, getting wounded early. Abandonment issues, fear and lack of trust adversely affect a marriage.

And the deep ache inside — the one so many men and women believe will be eradicated by the others’ love — is still there.

And spouses ever restless, running and hoping, keep failing. Sinning repeatedly like waves crashing against a rocky coastline until His ocean of grace swallows us up.

Only Jesus is big enough to walk on water and fill all of our empty places that scream in the storm.

Not our husband.

Not our wife.

And the blood of Jesus and God’s love that covers a multitude of sins allow us to grow together naked and unashamed in marriage because we are His and we are forgiven.

They overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony…
Revelation 12:11

And our imperfect perfect story that God is using to set us free is freely shared with you. We are not any of us broken beyond repair — not even my Michael and me with six divorces between us. We are more than conquerors when we are held together by a three strand cord.

So let us not despair, fear or grow hopeless for depression robs our joy and renders us deaf to the whispers of the Spirit and all we hear is the devil’s cacophony. And his words, they are all phony.

You’re too wounded to thrive in marriage.

You’re too old. {Or maybe you’re too young?}

You’ve made too many mistakes.

Your spouse is all wrong for you.

You’ve been divorced too many times to create a God honoring union.

You should just give up because you will never get this right.

And when husbands and wives get to a place of marital meltdown — with satan holding them upside down over a deep dark pit — the turning point can come when we choose to lift and separate.

Lifting our eyes, hearts and thoughts to God and off the circumstance.

And sometimes going our separate ways for a bit to cool off. {Setting reasonable limits for time apart.}

Alone praying for humble, forgiving hearts that seek to come back to God and each other.

United again and stronger as conflicts resolve through mutual submission, respect, love and forgiveness.

Sorry.

For we are the apples of His eye and Him loving us so much that He died on that awful wonderful cross to set us free from sin.

And our hearts ache with the sheer beauty of His perfect love for us His imperfect, broken children.

And His love covering us golden helps me and my Michael to humble as He heals us. We fist bump our matching gold bands then link pinkies in a secret handshake that reminds us that we are unshakeable as we love in the light of His love never ending.

And the coming together pushes pride off the throne and we fall in love again deeper and more real.

Continuing forward to fight evil brooding inside and around us for evil never stops, never gets enough. Remembering that we do not fight against flesh and blood. And our beloved other is our very own flesh and when we fight as husband and wife we are tearing ourselves apart limb by loveless limb.

And that hurts terribly.

Us.

And God.

But His grace.

It covers us in His glory, filling the great divide and cementing the marriage bond.

And the victory won at the cross unshackles the power of two in One…

Is your marriage falling apart? Has your marriage ended? Are you wracked with pain over your brokenness? A free mentoring session can help.

Sheila Kimball Mentoring encourages you to heal your heart and move forward from where you are today to a much better life based in an abiding relationship with God. CLICK my image now to get started on healing your heart and mending your marriage or life.

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