Something he did has made her unhappy again and inside she’s seething.
And wrestling with fear stemming from his decision.
And not a little hurt. He really didn’t discuss this with her, just mentioned it and went ahead and did what he felt was best.
Now look at them — adversely affected in several ways and the family suffering.
Her growing prickly as a porcupine and the seething making her heart seize. And she is stuck.
Yet he says it will all work out. He has said that before.
But now she has lost hope. No longer believing and she feels like she just doesn’t care.
So she nurses a grudge with negative feelings and thoughts that torment, keeping her awake through the wee hours.
Each morning she is happy to see him out the door. Yet her stay-at-home-mom routines bring little joy outside of her babies’ smiles, and housework boring makes her feel a little more justified in her frustrations. And at the end of the day he seems to always have a headache.
So she starts thinking she might be better off without him.
Because maybe he doesn’t talk to her the way she wants him too. Or bring her flowers. Maybe she thinks he should ask for a raise instead of telling her to serve pasta for dinner three nights a week. Maybe he’s gained a few pounds from all that pasta and she loathes his lack of self-control. Maybe she can’t see anything good about this man to whom she has promised her life.
And she feels like giving up and moving on.
To greener pastures.
To find the man of her dreams.
To a life lived independent of a husband. Or at least this husband.
She reminds herself she is educated and talented and worked before the kiddos came. Her mom, retired, loves her grands and has often said if full-time daycare was ever needed she is available.
And she sees her recently divorced girlfriends having fun dating on weekends when their kids are at dad’s.
And she can’t remember when she last felt truly happy. Or wanted.
She loves her babies and delights in them, but she is miserable in her marriage and if something doesn’t change soon she thinks she’ll lose her mind.
Or maybe all the stress has turned itself against her and her body gives up and she can’t understand why she is so tired all the time or losing her hair until the doctor pronounces her sentence: autoimmune disease or worse. And then she gets more angry and more scared.
All she wants to do is scream. Loudly. But that would frighten her little ones and wake her snoring husband. So she stuffs it all, entertaining thoughts too dark for words.
Yet the thought of divorce isn’t an option.
Not for her, the Bible-toting, Sunday school-teaching mom and wife who juggles soccer practice and choir practice and helps friends in need, always wearing her Christiany mask complete with plastic smile.
God hates divorce.
Ad she feels He will be terribly unhappy with her if she left her man for he hasn’t really done anything divorce-worthy. True, some of his decisions aren’t the wisest and the effects are serious, but if she sets aside her anger and thinks straight and narrow for a moment she knows he is a good man trying his best in a world hard and cold and all he wants and needs is a little warmth and tender understanding from his bride beloved.
Her helping him become the best man he can be.
So she tries to do her best and puts on a happy face and says the right words and does what any good wife would do. And she fools herself for a week or two until, like Eve, she starts listening to the relentless voice that whispers lies.
Lies seduce and she gives in and lashes out angry words. Or spends too much money at the mall. Or leaves the dishes all day in the sink because she knows he hates seeing them undone.
Or maybe she suffers silently as her depression grows darker and deeper. She’s not sleeping well and isn’t eating. Or maybe is eating too much. She dislikes her mate so she loses herself in a couple of glasses of red after the children are asleep and spends too many hours online playing Candy Crush.
Escaping the pain, the fear, the frustration, the seeming hopelessness of her situation. And she spirals deeper downward.
And all of it a lack of love.
He is her hope even when she resists Him.
He will not fail her though she has failed a million times.
He will not leave her an orphan child to survive the wilds of the world even when she finds it hard to receive the Father’s love. And nothing she does, nor anything that has been done to her, will ever separate her from his embrace.
It’s a dim glimmer for her to see hope in an unseen God when for too long all she has seen are her own demands, wants and needs.
Desperate after a long, cold night of the enemy’s taunts, she calls out the name that is above all names.
She breathes it barely audible for her family is sleeping, but He hears.
She knows she needs help and there is no where else to turn. She and her spouse have talked and prayed and fought. Fought a lot.
She has read words from the latest woman’s magazine offering tips on how to have a better marriage. She has sat with him in their pastor’s office on many occasions for counseling but if truth be told she wasn’t seeking help to change her marriage as much as she was there to vent her disappointment and change her husband.
So she asks God for help only half believing that He can even though He has never once failed her.
Still too angry for tears of her own repentance, she tiptoes out of bed in the early morning darkness and laces up her running shoes that have sat still all winter. Peeks in to check on the kids. Steps over the sleeping dog and heads out the door and down the road.
The chill wind at her back makes her run a little faster. And she starts to feel free. Pounding the pavement for a while boosts her endorphins, lifting her dour mood just enough for her to catch an honest glimpse of herself in her mind’s eye.
What she sees is not pretty but disfigured and deformed.
And she spiritually pounds her chest while her arms keep pumping by her sides, stride after stride, and the sun slowly shows its luminous face, clouds clinging all peachy and violet in the eastern sky. And right there, on that empty road a few miles from home, she drops to her knees.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…
All our longings end in love
Tune in for part two of the Frustrated Wife series tomorrow which focuses on true beauty, a peaceful, respectful spirit and the most important thing you can do to help your man and your marriage be the best ever.