Before giving her away her daddy may have given her an ache that only Father can heal.
She carries the ache into marriage along with her bouquet but it’s not as easy to toss. And marriage — which is a stretching experience under the best of circumstances — gets harder than hard when it’s hindered by the hurts in a woman’s heart. Hurts that shattered her from abuse, betrayal and lack of love.
Perhaps she had an absentee dad, or one very strict. Maybe her dad ignored her in favor of her brothers. Or maybe her father favored alcohol as a shield against his own pain. Or worse, a dad that touched her in ways forbidden, scarring her heart and soul for a lifetime. Or maybe Daddy just up and left one day and her heart still grieves from that original abandonment.
There are a thousand ways a little girl gets broken.
And she learns early to be strong in order to survive. Growing up limping and longing for a daddy who is not there, lacking his protection and guidance, she learns to do life on her own, achieving success in many areas. Except relationally.
She is fractured and there’s only One fix for that, but she’ll keep trying to fix it herself before she realizes how much she needs God.
And the hurt and the pain and the missing twists and turns inside her heart until it bubbles over. As anger, control and manipulation. Or sexual aggressiveness or flirting with men other than her husband. Or being overly protective and clinging to her man, needing constant reassurance that her husband loves her. Or using words as bullets with a nasty mouth and hot temper. She is woman and sometimes she roars.
And her issues like fangs sink deep and go way back casting dark shadows. Unresolved daddy issues can wreck a marriage.
Yet inside she is a quivering mess fearing that her man will walk out the way her daddy did. Afraid to trust her husband completely because her dad was so untrustworthy. Unable or unwilling to respect her husband when her father acted so disrespectfully, treating her with no respect.
And it’s too difficult to fully relax into the arms of her husband’s love when her fear of letting go runs as deep as her pain. Hurt, fear and anger blind-siding her with a blazing will to survive at all cost. And she shields her heart hard against further hurt or disappointment.
Making plans and working her butt off, racing and stressing and some days her body cries in physical pain for unresolved childhood issues, like unforgiveness, eats away from the inside out. Stomping and fuming when her husband doesn’t meet her often unrealistic expectations. Perfectly.
Using sex as a handy tool of manipulation, both in the withholding and the sultry giving. And she can’t and won’t follow her husband because that means giving up control. Way too scary for a frightened little girl-woman.
So her world keeps spinning and her heart keeps twisting and she cries on the inside and sometimes she doesn’t even know why wondering if peace, joy and hope truly exist. She is so very tired. And this bright, competent woman just wants to be held so she can finally exhale, letting God make everything right.
But unless and until she understands this and accepts that her Father in Heaven loves her like crazy and will never let her go — Him her Abba or Daddy-God who will pull her close and heal the hurts — her marriage will suffer.
And maybe end like my first marriage did, and how the babies will cry.
Yet it can take years and many hard lessons to cultivate tender the soil of the heart, and her willing to receive. Through it all her husband can feel emasculated when she acts like she doesn’t need him, thank you very much. He may hand over the reigns to her, resigning himself to the fact that there is no reasoning with her. And her Russian roulette continues until she humbles her heart to God, asking for help.
Or God in his mercifully fierce love helps her to humble by sending a trial so high and so wide that she cannot figure it out on her own.
Her world imploding before her eyes will open seeing Christ who has been there all along. And in brokenness she bends her knee and gives her heart to follow obediently the One that has loved her all her days. The One who has a plan for her good future.
The very same One who allowed the pain and horror of the past because He knew that would shape her into a vessel fit for service to a King. Her past providing a way for her to help others. If her heart is willing.
And here are tips that can help you:
**Humble your hurting heart and let the Lord make it all better, before it’s too late and you’re raising your babies as a single mom and longing for a man to love you.
**Ask God to simply hold you for as long as it takes for the pain to fade.
**Forgive your dad and ask your husband to forgive you.
**Start living new and God’s grace will abundantly supply you with all you need to walk free from fear, bitterness, and control.
**Trust God, one day at a time as you get to know God for real — NOT what you learned from your parents or church or doctrine that was forced upon you — but knowing God through Jesus Christ.
**Read the Gospel of John, and then the other gospels, as if you have never heard one word about the One who created you. Keep reading it until the words of truth take hold of your heart. See Father’s heart in the words and actions of Jesus who came to take away our sins and show us the true heart of God.
**Listen closely for the Holy Spirit who whispers your name, calling you to come. Talk to Him in prayer.
**Ask God to lead your life so that you can become his true daughter and grow into the loveliest of wives.
** Consider journaling as a healing tool.
**Find a mentor who understands what you are going through and can help you process your pain and then progress in your life and marriage.
Then exhale! And be willing to relax your death grip on the shadow of life you cling to and God will give you new life and over time your marriage will be made new too.
You will finally see beyond the garden gate of your carefully enclosed, highly protected, walled-up self.
And you will breathe free as He breathes into you…
If you are struggling with daddy issues, there is HOPE! You can choose and learn to let go, allowing God to fill the hurting emptiness within your soul. And I can help you move beyond your pain and into the truly good and blessed life and marriage that you dream of. Click on my image below and sign up today for your FREE 20 minute mentoring session.
My book Heart Cry is a series of 40 reflections for a woman’s soul. It’s like a healing balm for your heart. Order your copy now by clicking the image.
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