Love cuts the chains that cut our hearts and sets us free…Day 21…October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month

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Hung over from too little sleep and a night intoxicated with lies, I struggle in prayer this morning.

Sitting alone in my little sanctuary at home, the sun streams warm through windows bare and a great expanse of blue smiles down, but I am not happy.

And sweat profuse mingles with tears until I am washed in a saline shower from His fount of Love.

This challenge confronted, Holy Spirit by my side, has been simmering on the back burner of my mind since the day after my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

And even longer.

October 9 marks the tenth anniversary of me giving the boot to a man who abused with his lips as well as limbs, and who injured my sons with his words, actions, edicts and extreme control. Those details are a story for another day as October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. {And if you are in a bad situation and need help, call this confidential number 1-800-799-SAFE (0r 7233) or check out this website.}

So I get divorced from the man who hurts us, and a decade passes, and there are still certain days when a deeply unsettling spirit of unforgiveness and resentment hovers over my heart, chaining me to a past that God wants me to let go of.

Completely.

Now letting go doesn’t mean that magically I have no recollection of the awful abuse, but means that no longer will my life be controlled by it.

Not even a little.

For Christ died to set me free. And heal my heart through a relationship with Him. BREAKingmeOUT into an abundant life here on earth as well as eternity with Him.

My life is wonderful now, but the taunts of the bully beaten by the Cross cause me to trip.

And when I allow myself to tangle in post traumatic stress over events that are over and can no longer hurt me, I am not living free.

And I think that must make God, who is a good Daddy who loves me and you like crazy, very sad for Christ’s love at Calvary cost Him everything.

So my prayers spill onto paper for 14 pages.

God shows me why unforgiveness towards my former abuser creeps in. Underscoring all, I hold myself in unforgiveness, utterly responsible, bound with guilt and shame and tormented by thoughts that my actions brought pain and sadness to my sons.

Yet they tell me they have forgiven me.

Telltale signs of their wounded childhood hearts poke through, and coming from a broken family of origin myself, that was the last thing I want to pass on.

And I can’t let go that I failed them, ruining everything.

Bad mommy.

Punishing myself unawares, I hold resentment towards me that festers deep and fractures wide where Christ wants to heal.

For certain days lo these ten years!

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Stooping my shoulders and filling my eyes with tears that drench my couch all night long.

Only today is a new day full of God’s tender mercies. And He stirs memories because it’s time.

Time to let go and let God and leave the past in the past and live fully in the gift of each moment of this precious present.

And when all is said and done I share my story with a friend and share these words with you, feeling so much lighter.

No longer carrying something He long ago took away.

Asking His forgiveness for all my unforgiveness.

And for holding a ton of guilt and resentment.

And for falling prey to the enemy’s lies of condemnation.

There is therefore now no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Romans 8:1

And then I ask myself to forgive myself.

And that is when the little girl lost inside starts weeping, and my heart goes out to her and I hug her close and tell her it’s okay.

For God works all things for good.

Even my sons’ brokenness is being healed each day as the good work He has begun in them — and me and you — He is continuing to complete.

So I write them each a letter ready for sending with one last sorry for the pain I brought into their lives when my foolish, broken heart didn’t trust God enough to hold me through the long, dark nights.

And I urge them to choose forgiveness all over again, searching their own hearts and releasing whatever God shows them.

For that is how Love cuts that chains that cut our hearts and make them bleed, causing us to limp painful.

And that is when Love sets us free…

~sheila

Today’s post is Day 21 of a #31days series called First comes Love…

All the posts in the series can be found here. And so you don’t miss a single one, please subscribe here.

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9 thoughts on “Love cuts the chains that cut our hearts and sets us free…Day 21…October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month

  1. Thank you for sharing this. Domestic Violence is a horrible cycle that is hard to break. Even once one leaves, the scars remain. Only Christ can heal those and set one free from a past that haunts.

    God bless.

  2. Sheila, these words run deep…and strike a part of myself that remembers so well the many days of grief, remorse, and fear. Thank you for being willing to share this. It’s a story that any parent who has survived an abusive marriage will be able to relate to.

    Here is a post I did a while back about one of my own experiences…and how God comforted and encouraged me: http://josephjpote.com/2012/08/missed-gods-plan/

    God is still in control, and still working out His plan for you and your children!
    Blessings to you and your family!

  3. Beautiful… Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through, Sheila. May you and your sons know the full, complete release that can only come from our Heavenly Father. May you be blessed abundantly as you walk in the freedom he offers you. You are much loved.