She was sad.
She knew the joy of the Lord was her strength — and she was very grateful that God is her rock, ever unchanging — but she was still sad.
And the sadness swept over her like a strong wave that builds gradually far out from shore. And the sadness had been building.
But she kept on keeping on. Being strong. Doing the next thing. Willing herself to smile.
And then she realized she didn’t have to.
She only had to be herself. In that moment. Feeling the feelings that she was feeling. Sitting with the sadness while it lingered and letting it wrap around her like a shawl on a chilly day with no sunshine.
Stress had been mounting over the last few months and sometimes she felt scared. Rising bills, uncertainty over work, missing loved ones far away and then pushing herself physically to complete a project for the home.
Add to this some family of origin chaos and drama. And then news that no parent ever wants to hear. A friend’s son and his buddy were seriously injured in a head on collision. So she kept watch on her knees all through the night with all the other watchers. Asking for mercy and the boys not out of harm’s way. And the next day learning that the more seriously injured young man had died.
And she was so tired.
And the seriousness of the accident reminded her to keep all things in perspective.
Yet all of it kept tumbling together in the wee hours like clean clothes set to dry on high heat, and it scorched her heart. Around the edges.
The center of her heart, the place that is her essence, the inner most sanctuary that belongs to her Lord alone, that was still secure. She knew she rested there, in that eternal and supernatural joy.
Yet she couldn’t feel it.
She could only feel the sadness. So she gave into self pity for a season and recounted chapter upon chapter of her life story that had been far from joyful. Logically she knew the proper perspective, yet logic doesn’t rule a heart too often broken. Choosing to pull her self out of her slump was a sluggish endeavor.
In her weakness she could only find strength in Him.
And His unending and unconditional love of her.
And the fact that no matter what He would always be there for her.
Yet her attitude was sullen and sticking, and the sleeplessness made it stubborn like a sea wall, preventing her from surrendering to His ocean of grace.
Then she heard the Spirit say “Write.”
And in the pouring out of her words, in reaching up to Him who holds her, and in the pouring over His Word, she slowly started to emerge, seeking His forgiveness and comfort, realigning her heart.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me…
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.
So she kept turning the pages until the words of the love song filled the leaking crevices of her heart.
And then she saw the Son still shining behind the dark clouds…
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Linking with Womanhood with Purpose.
Linking with Amanda.