In which a heart feels abandoned…

ASTON - Copy

He left me.

He drove off into a dark, cold morning. And I remained without him.

Alone.

And in those few moments of sleepy wakefulness my heart, triggered by an innocuous event in the present, felt uncomfortable.

It felt abandoned…

And feelings can feel so real sometimes, can’t they?

Yet I knew I wasn’t abandoned.

My Michael had only left for the day and would return in time to kiss me goodnight.

KISS GOODNIGHT

He was attending a birthday luncheon with several of his blood brothers. Friends that share the love of Christ, good men whose company he has sorely missed since moving four and a half hours away to live here with me in the Hudson Valley.

And I was happy for him for I know how important these men are to him.

FOUR GUYS

Yet that little girl inside me stirred unsettled. And this is where I can get into trouble if I do not proceed with caution.

ME at 3

So I keep moving forward with every baby step no matter what triggers me, pressing on towards the prize which is the excellency of knowing Christ better and becoming more like Him, becoming more spiritually and emotionally healthy.

And the grown up intellectual, faith-filled wife that is me purposed to stay cool that day he was gone several months ago, and like any good internal parent, I calmed my little girl heart by reaching up for Father.

Clinging to Abba who never leaves me or forsakes me.

Path of life

Michael and I both struggle with abandonment issues from time to time which reach back to childhood. Initial scenarios from our families of origin were later replayed in broken marriages and relationships as we both searched for love along the broken road, adding infection to the original wounds.

And I read in a book for adult children from alcoholic or dysfunctional families that the fear of losing our spouse or partner is just that broken little child inside reliving the fear of being unloved or unwanted by his or her family.

We talk for hours about how certain things in the present can make us feel those old feelings of the past, as God allows hurts to throb hot so that He can apply the cooling balm of His Grace.

And I wonder, will it ever end?

Will triggers that jump out at us unexpected stop some day? Does a person ever get to the place where all the pain is gone?

The answer, I believe with all my heart, is a resounding yes! Yet, it probably won’t fully occur until we are with God in Heaven.

And each day of our lives on earth He sanctifies and heals us a little bit more and we grow stronger, becoming more real and loving much better than before.

And the pains and the triggers they do start to fade, just like stretch marks mostly disappear over time. Yet the stretching of a woman’s belly as the baby swells big inside her leaves marks that are a badge of honor.

She survived nine months of carrying another person inside herself. She endured countless hours of labor {a total of 59 for my three sons!} and then at last, precious new life was birthed from the pain and discomfort.

And the process is bloody and messy and it can really hurt!

As me and Michael labor through several past issues that sometimes still affect us in the present, we hurt and grow tired and even grouchy at moments. But we keep pushing through the pain for Abba is birthing new life in us. Life without the chains that bind. Life beyond the prison bars, outside in the sunshine where all the little boys and girls freely run and play and laugh.

MK and sisters

POOL

So we ask God to heal what yet needs healing in our hearts. And we hold onto each other and to Him, thankful for the safety of this blessed union we share. For in this loving crucible of our one flesh bond, God cauterizes the wounds of our past. Sometimes more than once, for wounds can go deep, and the Great Physician kisses away our boo boos.

TIED the KNOT

And Abba holds us to His heart and makes it all better, filling us with new joy, until that day when we will shine with Him and there will be no more tears…

~sheila

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18 thoughts on “In which a heart feels abandoned…

  1. Beautiful and encouraging! I deal with that anxiety when my hubby goes away but never realized it could be linked to a pretty love-deprived upbringing. Abba IS so faithful! I must talk to Him about this!

    • Thank you, Carin! And I bet your convo with Dad will reveal great and unsearchable things you do not yet know. He is such a good Daddy God…holding us through our hurts as we BREAKOUT of all that holds us back from being all He wants us to be…Blessings to you!

  2. I feel like this SO often. the amazing way that his simple departures always feel like I have been left forever, like he has abandoned me. but he hasn’t, and he always comes back.

    I have abandonment issues, I know this from early years of my life. but I am learning to not be so afraid, to not be living in my fears and letting Him lead.

    • And He is the only One who can lead us out of our broken pasts and into the holy wholeness of His love for us…Keep taking His hand, Rachel, and being brave. Thanks for stopping by. BTW, I just visited your site. Your little girl is adorable and your writing is lovely! Will be returning, for sure 🙂 Blessings…

  3. Dear Sheila
    This a cruel broken world we live in and I think all of us grow up with issues that follow us into our adult years! I occasionally still battle with issues of rejection and the urge to perform and earn the love of those who are precious to me! I even carried this over to my relationship with our Pappa. But He os gentle and patient and heals us one step at a time. And one day, when we are all home with Him, the healing will be complete when we receive our new bodies as well.
    Much love XX
    Mia

  4. oh friend, i’m so sorry for the pain that this has caused you, and yet i understand too. because of my own childhood issues, and i wonder, if we didn’t have those hardships, if we wouldn’t need our heavenly father so much? so much love and peace to you. thank you for linking! e.

    • Thank you, Emily. I am sure it is those very things that cut our hearts that bring our hearts to God turning the ouch into an oh yeah! With our one word for 2013, BREAKOUT, God is doing just that in us and turning pain into purpose! Thanks for offering the link up 🙂

  5. Sheila, I’m grateful to have found you through Imperfect prose today and I’m so touched by your honesty and your beautiful analogy of this messy and painful birthing of new life, new patterns, new freedom. Praying for you as you continue to reach for your Abba!

    • Thank you, Alicia. In honesty is freedom and freedom begets freedom! I think as we share our stories as truthfully as we can, it has a ripple effect on those who hear it, and can help them in their healing journey with the Lord. Thanks so much for stopping by…

  6. Here from IP thanking God for the reminder here to reach for Abba when the little girl in me feels abandoned.

  7. Hey Sheila, this is my first time to your blog and I’m so glad you linked up with Wedded Wed, my friend. I can resonate with the scars of the past, in particular from my childhood, and how they haunt us in our adulthood. Like you’ve said, it’s a lifelong process to find healing. But with the Great Healer on our side, we have hope! I’ve seen Him redeem so many hurts in my lifetime. I’m praying and “knowing” He’s doing the same for you!

    BTW, I had to do a double take on the photo in your blog header. Your hubby looks a lot like my brother. 🙂

    • Thanks for stopping by, Beth. And you are right in “knowing” He is doing the same for me. Our one word for 2013 is BREAKOUT and that is surely what is going on in many ways. And all of it for good even though some of it can be a little hard. 🙂

      That’s funny about your hubby. My Michael recently celebrated a birthday and a friend sent him a greeting with the plea never to shave his beard since it is so him and…a comment that he looks like the Dos Equis Beer guy!! whom I had never heard of!! Maybe your brother too? Here is the link. Happy Friday, Beth. Looking forward to reading more of your words. http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=dos+equis+beer+guy&FORM=AWIR1