It was in the laying down of my pen during a break from blogging that I started to pick up on what God has been writing on the tablets of my heart all along.
An early April journal entry reads: Lord, help me BREAKOUT of my smallness, my selfishness, my sin so I can live unstuck for you, forgetting self and focusing first on You and then others. Break down the walls that hold back my heart from fully living and truly loving, my Lord…
And on a sunny morning towards the end of the month, with ducks swimming freely in a pond no longer frozen, and my shoulder no longer frozen!! and my heart thawing so it could hear better, I wrote: I want to experience life in Christ where I move throughout my days in the unhindered flow of the Holy Spirit, no longer relapsing into a semi-stuck state over old things sometimes remembered. This is my deepest longing.
Living in the flow and moving freely in the spirit.
As opposed to existing all sticky during bouts of soul resistance, a.k.a. sin, when I battle God and an inner war rages, hidden to all but the closest of eyes. And the Lord of the Heavenly Host mercifully understands my weakness and rescues me.
And soul resistance takes so many different forms, doesn’t it? Perfectionism, control, anger and rage, lust, racing negative thoughts, negative words, pride, unforgiveness, focusing more on another’s broken issues instead of our own, denial, co-dependency, abusive behavior, addictions…
But He keeps calling us. And he calls to me, ever so gently, so my tender heart may hear. Come.
Come to Him.
And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 2:4-5
God wants my heart to BREAKOUT of everything that prevents it from being united to fear His name, giving rise to outward exhibition genuinely reflecting the inner habitation. He longs that my triune nature — my spirit, soul and body — rests in agreement as I worship Him.
In spirit and in truth.
In simplicity and authenticity.
In splendor of soul once all striving has ceased.
Receiving His love. Accepting His truth about who I am in Christ. Believing that is seeing.
Living in and for the Lord with trust that paves the way to greater faith. And greater faith giving rise to further integrity. And the integration of it all taking me another baby step forward on the path to becoming more like Elder Brother Jesus.
And in coming to Him, simply as a child, I start to see, and see again.
Seeing with His eyes the picture He is painting of my life.
Unfinished work of art, truly lovely, even with torn, tear stained edges. Broad brush strokes that once streaked bright red from a heart split open all jagged, now mix and swirl with all the other hues of my life, those days written in His book.
Black splatters of sin disappear before my eyes, covered by His blood, transformed into white space which enhances the full spectrum of colors. And I catch my breath at the beauty He creates. Master Artist works on me, like He works on you, one day at a time, forming a unique masterpiece in HisWay covered by His banner of love.
He calls this work-in-progress, Baby Girl Growing.
And the petulant perfectionist that I once was relaxes, exhales and even smiles. Realizing that I will never arrive, never reach perfection this side of heaven.
So I walk the road named Grace and just keep walking.
And in those times of not-so-good, when I stumble on the road, yet desperately want to be good, I remember Paul and the struggles he encountered inside and outside his heart, all of it common to man.
For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me...I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:15-17; 22-25
I take the Paul of my imagination off the pedestal where I have kept him, perfect for his strength and faith and devotion. Then seeing with eyes more clear: Paul is like me and I am like Paul. We are brother and sister, broken and imperfect.
And in our imperfection Abba God loves us perfectly all the way to perfection…
If you enjoyed this post, would you please consider sharing it with others?And if you would like to receive our new posts as we publish them, subscribe now for free!