Pulling another all-nighter…

Yet I failed the test again.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand God’s higher ways in things uncomfortable, the stuff that chaffs.

Like sleepless nights…

How I have come to hate sleepless nights!

The witching hour is 3 to 4 a.m.  I am not a happy camper.

Looking at it from a selfish point of view: I just want to sleep.

Sleep boosts immunity, and I need that too, especially during cold and flu season.

Vanity cries, “beauty sleep mandatory!” and I don’t enjoy looking like a tired hag the morning after.

I need to sleep.  A full time job keeps me crazy busy for nine hours each day.

Plus, being wide awake when much of the world slumbers is BORING.

Yet sleep evades, more often now as a mid-life boomer with fluxing hormones and transitioning emotions.

And I have yet to successfully surrender the l…o…n…g, negativity-inspiring sleepless nights to the One who, for some unknown reason, allows it.

I feel miffed.  Frightful thing to admit, isn’t it?  The blob of clay complaining when the Sculptor’s chisel cuts.

While I’m thankful it’s not something worse to deal with, I’m still a cranky cry baby.  The next day, my adrenals do double duty just to make it through. Fatigue plagues me as I write this, having lost the battle again last night.

Since confession and accountability can help me change and grow, I am using this public venue to vent my spleen, sorely in need of a blood transfusion.

And I am certain there are women out there, and men, who can relate.  Or am I alone in this?  Would love to hear your coping methods and know what God is teaching you in the wee small hours.

My Father, I come to you angry and proud and confused, two thirds sinful, one part bewildered.  And I need to dig deep into the Word — making certain it is tucked in my heart for when my mind reels petulant and incoherent — remembering that You are good, all the time.  That you carefully and lovingly mold me, make me like Jesus.

There is a lesson in the moments of my recurrent sleeplessness.

In retrospect, dark circles underscore that it is what it is for now.  Yet I whine, wanting to hang streamers and balloons for my pity party.  But, I don’t.

I ask the Lord’s forgiveness, and Dearest Husband’s too.

Lord, please help me to grow up in my pre-dawn grogginess, remembering that Your Grace is sufficient.

What exactly, Lord, do I need to bring to mind when all I desperately want is to lay down my head on the pillow and sleep?

  • You never sleep nor slumber, always watching over us, protecting and guiding, even at 3 a.m.
  • You endured far greater pain on my behalf, as silent as a lamb to slaughter. If only I could keep my mouth shut sometimes.
  • You have made me more than a conqueror through Christ, my strength. But I feel so weak, thinking ‘there’s no way I can ever be cheerful in the middle of a wide awake night.’
  • Your strength is perfected in my weakness.  Do I hear the alarm clock sounding a reminder?
  • You never give me more than I can handle. You have made me a capable woman.

So what am I doing wrong, that I am not peaceful and surrendered in my sleeplessness?

You refuse to appropriate my grace in your moment of need, eventually giving up and giving in.  You stomp your foot wanting your own way.  I understand you are tired.  I was tired, too.  Your conduct is unbecoming for a handmaiden of mine.  Your attitude saddens me.  I am your strength.  Will you not yield, letting me be God in this situation? Letting Me handle the matter for you, through you? And please, remember how much I love you…even when you’re cranky. But, I know you can do better so we will try it again…

My stubborn heart hears and I implore the Holy Spirit to help it listen.  Like my Israelite cousins, I am stiff necked.  Literally sometimes, indicative perhaps of the soul-body connection.

As snowy morning slides into sunny afternoon my heart begins to melt…I do not want to sadden or anger my Lord.  I do not want to disturb my husband.  I am wrong.   Forgive me…

The words you were reminded of last night must take hold…My word will defeat the enemy of your soul.  You wrestle not against flesh and blood.  You both wrestle together against unseen powers and principalities.  Remember who the enemy is! As I lay you down to sleep, let your bedtime prayers be for my help through the night.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

And the Greek word for temptation and tempted can mean testing and tested!

I need a tutor.  I ask the Paraclete’s help to endure.  And perhaps when I finally pass this test, I will even find the joy in pulling an all-nighter.

In my moments of sleepless struggle, the lesson I must learn is:  focused soul-ly on self, I cannot see Jesus.

If I cannot see Him on the path ahead of me, how can I follow?  And when I do not follow, the family resemblance fades. Fast!

Lord, I want to be good, but cannot do it without you.  Please make me good!

“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself.” The disciple must say to himself the same words Peter said of Christ when he denied him: “I know not this man.” Self-denial is never just a series of isolated acts of mortification or asceticism. It is not suicide, for there is an element of self-will even in that. To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self denial can say is: “He leads the way, keep close to him.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

May I keep close to Him, especially when I wake after pulling covers close for the night…

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9 thoughts on “Pulling another all-nighter…

  1. Michael,
    I too, have had many years of sleepless nights. The hours you are awake are the hours I’ve been told can be due to blood sugar dropping. I get up and eat something to go back to sleep. Last night it was 1:30 to 2:45 for me. 🙁 I would generally eat carrots b/c it’s a food that breaks down slowly and therefore helps to maintain blood sugar. However, since I only have a room I now keep my oatmeal squares in my room and that’s my snack. 🙂 I hope that helps for you as well.

    • I am, Cathy. Although, to try and maintain a “positive” spin, I will refer to it a mid-life challenge! 🙂 And we can be overcomers through Him. But, I must admit, on many nights I have ultimately — after many long hours — found that not do-able. BUT, I believe that when we set our will to please Him, His grace will flow in new and amazing ways. Will remember to pray for all my “sisters in suffering” on my next sleepless night…I really do want to make Jesus smile in the wee hours. Perhaps you will pray for me too? Thanks 🙂

  2. Job 23:10-11

    But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.

    My prayer….

  3. hey mom
    i read your post about sleepless stuff
    try waking up an xtra hour early if not 1.5 or 2
    and get some valerian root capsules
    they will help put you to sleep
    works for kimmi whenev she uses them
    they make u sleepy
    and do more exercise
    as much as possible, cuz then youll be more tired and sleep soundly
    like a baby in gods hands
    i love you
    lessons can be simple
    more veggies/fruits
    valerian root b4 bed – wake up earlier
    do work outs – intense ones that make you tired
    thats my advice