My longing, Lord…

I read an article recently about a teenage girl who found her calling and joined a convent.  At 18, she said “Yes, Lord,” beginning what will be a consecrated lifelong love affair with her One and Only. 

And I am jealous.

No, not of being a nun.  Heaven knows I was not made for that.

But of her time…spent alone with Him.

She now gets to contemplate the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ, for several hours a day!

That is what makes me green, in the very best of ways.

Several hours alone each day with Him!

I long for that.

There was a time as a single mom, with very young boys still asleep in the darkness of a new morning, that I would rise and sit with Him by candlelight.  For hours.  Alone, yet not.  A steaming mug of tea and my open bible.  Letting His words fill my heart and soul, giving me strength for the new day.

And how desperately I needed that strength to survive a broken marriage.  Raising three small boys.  Being mom, and dad — impossible.  Working part time.  Worrying full time.

And so on and so on, year after year. Crying out as one abandoned to the One who promises never to leave me.

Complete in His care so that I could carry on, more than a conqueror.  Days overflowing the brim.  Heart aching tired each night.

Yet longing for the new day and that special set aside chance to be alone with Him, even though each moment 24/7 He was always by my side, closer than my heartbeat.

Those special times in the dark with the One I love best of all, captivated me in a way nothing else can.

Life is different now.  Sweeter.  Easier.  Better in so many, many ways.  And I am grateful for all my gifts.  Wouldn’t want it any other way.

With the changing seasons, the schedule changes.  The body ages. Life rushes on and some days it’s all I can do to hang on.

Crazy busy work filled days and a never ending to-do list leave me breathless.  Short of breath.  Life giving spirit breath.

Craving the quiet place where I can let out a long, slow exhale and fall into His arms.  Where time stands still and my heart can linger, caressed by words spoken only to me, yet also to you.

Before, it was so much circumstantial, bad events driving me to my knees.

While I don’t desire the bad, I would like that utter desperation back.  To have and to hold more of Him.

Not because of what is going on in my life, but because of what is going on inside of me.  Heart broken, then surrendered.  I lay it down on the altar.  Make it an oblation.

To lose my life in order to find it…

This is my longing.

Come my Lord Jesus, come…

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